I Guess I Need to Buy a Deadbolt

I posted a while back about how lately my husband has been crossing the bathroom boundaries. I explained to him how not ok this was and figured we could just move on. Just to be on the safe side though, I began locking the bathroom door whenever I would go in. Since we don’t have a key, It did have the intended effect in that he could no longer just open the door whenever he felt like it but then he started doing something just as annoying: he now will knock on the door incessantly until I emerge from the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is peacefully use the toilet while somebody is repeatedly knocking on the door? And do you know that I also have a 2-year-old who won’t let me go to the bathroom by myself and stares at me while I’m trying to *ahem* “do my business”? So between the two of them, there is not a chance in hell I can ever just get a few moments to myself.

At some point, I suppose that my husband decided that knocking on the door wasn’t annoying enough; he had to up his game. Thinking that there was no way that he could possibly manage to be more annoying, I felt pretty sure that although I had to put up with the knocking, at least I was safe in the bathroom by myself. So naive. I was sitting on the toilet the other night and after a few minutes of knocking, it stopped. “Ah, he finally gave up,” I thought. And then I heard a noise at the door. It continued for a minute and then all of a sudden, the door flew open. Yup, my husband had picked the lock. The unbelievable thing was that he actually thought I would find it funny. He thought I would appreciate the fact that he had managed to figure out how to pick a lock. Clearly my husband has overestimated my sense of humor because I didn’t find it amusing at all.

The apartment we’re in now has 3 bathrooms. THREE. Yet, I still can’t seem to get a moment of peace. What do I have to do to get some privacy around here? Prop a chair underneath the doorknob?

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27 responses to “I Guess I Need to Buy a Deadbolt

  1. you could always buy a door stop and put it under the door..so even if he picks the lock the door stop will keep it from opening

  2. Um. For the record, I thought she was BRUSHING HER TEETH. And yes, I thought it was funny. I throw myself on the mercy of the blog.

    • No mercy. I’m pretty sure the right to bathroom privacy is in the Constitution. Or it should be. ;) But seriously, be a gentleman. It’s way hotter.

  3. Mark – you would get along well with my husband. I always, ALWAYS lock the door – but my husband still likes to “impress” me by picking the lock and surprising me “psycho-style” in the shower. Not impressed!

  4. how terrible to live in fear of being busted in on while ‘doing your business’. my husband and i have a strict ‘no fly zone’ when the bathroom is being used.

  5. Threaten him with DIVORCE!! That’ll straighten him out cause he KNOWS he’ll NEVER find anyone as TOLERABLE of his annoyishness ( yes new word which only APPLIES to Mark)…it took him long enough to find you, he’ll never find another in his lifetime….I worked with him…couldn’t imagine experiencing that “annoyishness” 24/7….

    • LOL! Exactly why more and more men are opting out of marriage. Divorcing someone because they walk in on you while you’re pooping… shameful. My aunt and uncle have been married for 58 years and gone through things far more traumatic than a husband seeing his wife poop.

      This is absolutely ridiculous.

      Any man old enough to be married is hopefully old enough to know that everyone poops. From newborn babies, to the hottest male and female supermodels, to our great-grandparents. Any woman old enough to be married ought to be able to come to terms with this.

      And yes, he will find someone else. For some reason, women seem to think they’re a rare commodity, like palladium or another rare earth element.

      You aren’t. There are nearly as many women as men on the planet. Its practically a 1:1 ratio. If you’re having these kinds of problems, here’s a crazy idea. Why don’t you actually talk with your husband about it? Maybe that’s too much logic to hope for, but I like to think of myself as an optimist.

      I used to have this problem with my girlfriend. She was incredibly shy about having to go poop, and would become embarrassed if she had to go while I was in the shower, as I have a small studio apartment. I finally sat her down and we talked about it. Its natural. Poop doesn’t magically disappear from a woman’s body.

      Maybe its time to sit down with your husband and have a frank, honest conversation about how it makes you feel when invades your poop privacy, instead of posting about it on a blog in the passive-aggressive manner of a cowardly teenager.

      • Yes, I suppose a just plain aggressive comment (I mean yours) is so much better than the above passive-aggressive comment.
        I realize it’s hard to gather context and inflection through words on the internet, but I’m pretty sure nobody was seriously suggesting divorcing anyone over a bathroom mishap.
        With all due respect, it’s called humor and sometimes it’s served up dry.

        The world keeps spinning… :)

  6. I remember the first time my husband picked the lock…I laughed, that is pretty impressive to be able to pick a lock. Could be annoying yes, but pretty crafty too. My husband now uses one of those compressed air cannisters that you use to clean the keyboard of your computer with and just pops it open. But it comes in handy if I’m in the bathtub with the door locked and he knocks and I don’t want to get out to let him in…I just say come in and wait for him to find a way to pick the lock. It makes him happy. But thankfully he doesn’t abuse it. If I’m in the bathroom with the door locked and I say stay out…he does unless we are fighting over something and then he hears “stay out” as “come in” in his head and picks the lock.

  7. Oh, boy! My sister and I used to do that to our mom… we found out we could turn the “lock” of the bathroom with any key and it would just pop open!

  8. lol, omg when i saw the title of your site online i had to come read. the bathroom thing – YES very annoying! I would be totally enraged if i were you. im a private person in general and my time in the bathroom is me time and for anyone else! i can’t even stand the fact of knowing someone is out there listening, waiting or trying to get in. I even hate using public bathrooms when the cracks between the door and the wall has a huge gap & you can see people through it.. that’s the worst. i say you put a hot iron on the door handle.. or those gag type things where they get zapped if they touch it.. or be do something really unattractive, open the door at the right moment & say “wud’ya want!?” and maybe he will never open the door again. or the good old fashioned way, annoy him in the same ways he does you. good luck!! :)

  9. Can I just vent about something different for a sec? Is there anything more annoying than a sick husband?? I’ve got a 1 and 3 year old and they can do more for themselves than my sick husband!!

    • Ah…timely. No, there is NOTHING worse than a sick husband. I myself have one at home right now and you’re right: it is very, very annoying!

  10. My Fiance does this, and it by far is the most annoying thing in the whole world. I’m so happy someone else has the same problems!!

  11. My husband acts like a huge baby when he’s sick. He’s way dramatic about how sick he is. He wants much attention, and starts looking things up and acts like he has some sickness he doesn’t and then refuses to go to a doctor.

  12. my hubby does that too, he uses a butter knife and thinks hes clever. so when he was in there, i returned the favor and he got all pissy how he needed privacy. really?

  13. Er… 3 bathrooms. 1 for you, 1 for your husband, 1 for the 2 yr old? Maybe get nameplates or something.

  14. oh,you are not alone!:)))

  15. Bathroom privacy is just basic respect. Guess he doesn’t want sex, treating you with so little consideration. Not funny. All annoying.

  16. namelessfaceless

    omg mine is just as annoying.
    talking to me through the damned bathroom door, asking me where things are because he cant ever just look for something himself, or wait five minutes for me to finish.
    and (this is just the best) he will JIGGLE the door handle- like if he jiggles it enough it will open.
    WHY???
    -_-

  17. My grandma does this! Well, she hasn’t picked the locks….yet… But she knocks, and knocks and knocks until you open the door! It’s so annoying! She always needs to use it when I’m in there! The post was hilarious! I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing :-)

  18. Truthful Nacho

    Oh boy. Good thing c Boze came here to say “SEE THIS IS WHY WE NO MOAR MARRY YOU WIMMINS”.

    Gee how scary. I hope men really do start acting upon this threat because that means they leave us alone and I’ll have no more leads or proposals to turn down flat. Men invented marriage and they can take it away! Sounds good to me.

    Coming into the bathroom when your desire for privacy is clear is wrong wrong and wrong again. In fact, I call it perverted. He needs to stfo. Seriously.

  19. I lock the door and am ‘jumpy’ from my excessive horror movie watching so coming in the bathroom is a safety hazard. My husband understands this. But HE leaves the door open whenever he uses the bathroom, and I have an extremely sensitive nose. So…. I invite people over so he has to close the door. One day… it will be a habit. Our epic battle continues.

  20. This man is a legend. I do the same and it is quite frankly hilarious.

  21. I don’t get it. He’s supposedly seen every drooping inch of your body and witnessed the passage of another human being through your vagina- The boundary you harp on isn’t there. It’s not like you two have just started dating.

  22. Try doing it to him. Knock on the door. Don’t stop until he’s frantic. Do this as many times as necessary to get the point. Then tell him that’s what it’s like for you.

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