MY HUSBAND IS ANNOYING™

Each night before we go to sleep, my husband makes a to-do list for the next day.  Since he’s often juggling multiple projects at once, I always thought this was a good idea.  That is, until I actually looked at one of these lists.

(Not his actual to do list)

Turns out, he puts about 20 or 30 items on his list every single day.  Now, I don’t know about your day, but ours seems to only have 24 hours in it.  And generally, 8 of those are spent sleeping.  (Well, truthfully, it’s more than that.  But saying that 10 of those hours are spent sleeping makes us sound pretty damn lazy so I’m gonna go with 8.)  And for some reason, my husband is surprised and discouraged when he only seems to get a few of the items on his list done; he can’t understand why it seems impossible to actually have all of his to-do list done at the end of the day.  So what ends up happening is that he’ll transfer all of the things he didn’t get done that day to the next day’s to-do list which, of course, only makes it even more impossible to get that one completed.  It’s a vicious circle that seems to confound him.

My solution?  Make a to-do list that looks like this:

1. Wake up

2. Do stuff

3. Go to bed

See?  It’s a guaranteed completed to-do list!

My husband does most of his work at his computer which is in our bedroom and when I’m home, I like to surf the internet on my computer which is on the kitchen counter.  These two computers are 100 inches away (yes, I measured it) – that’s about 3 steps away.  You would think that given the proximity of these two locations, when my  husband wants to talk to me he would just get up and walk the 3 steps.  In fact, for him, it would probably only be 2 steps since he has long legs. Does he do this?  No, of course not.  Instead, this is how it goes:

Husband: Wife!  Wife!

Me: What?

Husband: Hi.

Yeah, he often has absolutely nothing to say but feels the need to call for me anyway.  And when I try to ignore him (because I know he has nothing to say), it goes like this:

Husband: Wife!  Wife!

Me: [Silence.  Continue to read whatever it is I'm surfing on the internet. Usually Weddingbee even though I got married almost 8 months ago but still obsessively read Weddingbee.  Fine, I have a problem, ok?  But that's not what this blog post is about.]

Husband: Wife!  Can you hear me wife?

Me: [More silence because I'm gazing dreamily at wedding dresses and centerpieces and cakes.  And also because how could I not hear my husband? He's 100 inches away.]

Husband: Hello?  Wife?

This continues until I give in and ask him what he wants only to have him say, “Hi”  or until he finally gets up and talks to me in person.  Lately, the conversations have gone more like this:

Husband: Hello?  Hello?

Me: Yes?

Husband: Just checking.

Does he think I ran away in between checking my email and updating my status on Facebook?  What exactly is he checking?  This has become one of the great mysteries of my marriage.  I’ve been considering rigging up one of these for when he wants to talk to me from his “office”:

When I handed this site over to my husband for his birthday, I fully expected a blog-style beatdown.  Retribution for the last 55 posts in which I’ve detailed almost every single annoying trait he has.  Believe me when I tell you that I anticipated no less than a massive litany of my most irritating, least endearing habits.  I assure you that I did not threaten my husband with bodily harm, withholding of any physical affection or putting up humiliating pictures for all the world to see (oops, I’ve already done that…) unless he wrote a nice, romantic post about me.  In fact, I read the post with some trepidation and quite a bit of nerves, expecting the worst.

And so my husband surprised me with his genuinely sweet words that actually made me tear up a bit.  We celebrated his birthday in a wonderful way and I think he was really happy which makes me happy.

Aboard the USS New York, one of his birthday requests

But boy, did he miss out on a rare opportunity and if he thinks he’s getting another one anytime soon, he’d better think again!

Now Who's Posing with a Drink?

Ah, wife.  Loving, trusting wife.

As a birthday present to me, my wife decided to turn over the blog to me for a day–essentially taking the bold step of climbing into her own dunking booth and handing me a limitless basket of balls to throw.  Go ahead, honey, take your best shots.

I’ve got plenty of ideas.  For months, as my every quirk and oddity has been outlined here, I’ve had a mental list in the back of my mind, just in case. You see, the truth of the thing is this:  in your average Freak Show, there’s a little nutjob in everybody–sword swallower, fire eater, ticket taker, audience member.  And my marriage is no exception.  She may be best known as the long suffering wife of The World’s Most Annoying Husband (I’m still proud as all getout about that, by the way), but folks, she’s not immune to her own unique breed of Drive Me Up a Wall.

And today, on the anniversary of my birth, I’ve been given a chance to shout it all from the rooftops!  To jump on center stage and let ‘er have it!  So here goes:

My Wife is… Amazing.

Er.  Whoops.  Freudian slip?

Oh, wow.  That didn’t come out right.  You’d think I would’ve gotten that right after all this time.  But here’s the thing.  Over the last few days, she’s been kinda… you know, great.  Now sure, maybe she’s just been on her best behavior with the birthday and blogswap on the table.  But trust me, I know how to be a royal pain in the butt, and I went to extraordinary lengths to see how far I could drag this.

First, taking a page from my grandfather, I began my birthday celebrations last Friday.  I announced it was my “Birthday Weekend Kickoff” and that as such, I should pretty much have a beer at any time.  I made this comment at 10 a.m.  Her response?  “Go ahead and have a beer!  It’s your Birthday Weekend.” Seriously?  I poured a cup of coffee and scratched my head.

And it’s been like this for three days now.  Last night, with the big day looming, I threw my efforts into high gear.  What did I want to do for my birthday?  I dug deep into the Guy Bag of Tricks, and pulled out a show-stopper:  I’d like to go tour a Navy warship.  This should’ve elicited a roll of the eyes and a groan.  It didn’t. She immediately agreed.

Seriously?

Suddenly feeling at a total loss to identify even one simple annoying thing my wife does or has ever done, I went for the Hail Mary late last night.  In our Brooklyn neighborhood, parking is a massive hassle, and involves constantly moving the car from spot to spot, and that process can take forever, driving the car up and down the same streets in endless loops, searching for an open spot.  Late last night, I had to move the car. That’s always my job, and I put a sports podcast on the iPod and hit the road.  So last night, I asked if she wanted to tag along on this delightful expedition.

No flinch, no hesitation.  She says–ready for this?–”Can I go in my pajamas?”

I surrender.  My wife is amazing.